Feeling Your Feelings: Emotional Regulation Isn’t About ‘Being Positive’, It’s About Understanding What You Feel

We often hear messages about the importance of staying positive or not letting emotions “get the better of us.” While well-intentioned, this can make it harder to connect with how we really feel. Emotional regulation isn’t about pushing feelings away or forcing ourselves to think happy thoughts — it’s about understanding our emotions so we can respond to them with awareness and care.

All emotions have a purpose

Every emotion tells us something about what’s happening inside us or around us.

• Anger can highlight a boundary that’s been crossed.

• Sadness can show us what we’ve lost or what matters deeply.

• Anxiety may alert us to uncertainty or a need for safety.

• Joy and contentment remind us of connection and meaning.

When we treat emotions as information rather than problems to solve, they become guides rather than obstacles. Instead of asking, “How do I get rid of this feeling?”, we can begin to ask, “What is this feeling trying to tell me?”

Recognise, label, validate

Emotional regulation begins with awareness. That means pausing long enough to notice what’s going on — both in the body and the mind.
You might start by asking yourself:

• What am I feeling right now?

• Where do I notice it in my body?

• What might have triggered this emotion?

Simply naming a feeling — “I’m sad,” “I’m angry,” “I feel anxious” — helps to calm the nervous system. The act of naming creates a small space between you and the emotion, allowing a sense of steadiness to return.

Validation is equally important. You don’t have to agree with or like what you feel, but you can still acknowledge it. For example:

“It makes sense that I feel anxious after that conversation.”
“Of course I’m sad — this situation really matters to me.”

This kind of self-talk helps to soften the harsh inner critic and builds self-compassion.

Feeling doesn’t mean getting stuck

Sometimes people worry that if they allow themselves to feel something deeply, they’ll get lost in it. In reality, the opposite is often true. Suppressing emotions tends to make them stronger or longer-lasting. Allowing them to surface — gently and safely — helps them to move through.

You don’t have to dwell or spiral. The goal isn’t to stay in sadness or anger but to let it flow through you, rather than get trapped inside. Once an emotion has been acknowledged and validated, you can begin to choose supportive next steps:

• taking a few deep breaths,

• grounding yourself in the present moment,

• writing your thoughts in a journal,

• moving your body,

• reaching out to someone you trust,

• or doing something soothing that brings comfort or perspective.

These small actions don’t dismiss the emotion; they help you tend to it.

Regulation, not repression

Healthy emotional regulation isn’t about control — it’s about connection. It means being able to hold space for your inner experiences and respond in ways that align with your values, not your momentary impulses.

Over time, this builds emotional resilience: the ability to face life’s ups and downs without feeling swept away. You learn that no feeling is final, and that emotions — even the difficult ones — can pass like waves once they’ve been met with curiosity and care.

A gentler way forward

Learning to feel your feelings takes practice, especially if you grew up in an environment where emotions were dismissed or judged. You might find it uncomfortable at first to sit with sadness, fear, or anger. That’s okay — it’s a sign you’re doing something new.

Therapy can be a helpful space to explore this process. Together, we can look at the stories behind certain emotions, notice what triggers them, and develop tools for responding with more understanding and balance.

Emotional regulation isn’t about becoming unshakable or endlessly positive. It’s about learning to meet yourself — whatever you’re feeling — with honesty and kindness. When you can do that, your emotions become less overwhelming and more meaningful. They become part of your guidebook for living a fuller, more connected life.