Why It’s So Hard to Be Kind to Yourself

Most of us know how to be kind to others — offering understanding, patience, and forgiveness when someone we care about is struggling.
But when it comes to ourselves, that same gentleness can suddenly vanish. We push ourselves harder, criticise our every move, and wonder why we can’t just “get it together.”

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many people I work with in therapy describe an inner voice that’s far harsher than anything they would ever say to a friend.

Where That Harsh Voice Comes From

Our inner critic often forms early in life. Maybe we learned that being “good” meant working hard, pleasing others, or not making mistakes.
Over time, those messages can settle deep inside us — until they start to sound like truth.

This inner critic is often a younger part of ourselves — a part that was frightened, lonely, or felt it had to be perfect to be safe or loved.
It’s not a “bad” part; it’s a protective one that never got the reassurance it needed.

When we meet this voice with curiosity rather than rejection, we can begin to understand what it’s really asking for: care, safety, and kindness.

Listening Before Soothing

It can help to imagine the inner critic as a younger version of yourself, doing its best to keep you safe. Instead of trying to silence it, try listening.

You might say to yourself:

“I hear you. You’re scared that I’ll fail or that something will go wrong. But I’m here now, and we can handle this together.”

When we listen and reassure that voice, it often begins to soften — just like a worried child who finally feels heard.

Journaling as a Gentle Tool

Journaling can be a powerful way to begin this conversation. Writing down what your inner critic says — and then responding with compassion — helps you see the dialogue more clearly.

Try writing:

• What is my critic saying right now?

• What might this part be afraid of?

• What would it need to feel safer or supported?

You don’t have to fix anything. The act of writing itself can create a small, quiet space where understanding can grow.

Kindness Takes Practice

Self-kindness can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if criticism has been your main motivator.
But over time, kindness helps us feel steadier, not softer. It lets us breathe, think clearly, and make choices that come from care instead of fear.

If You’d Like to Explore This Further

Therapy can be a calm space to understand where your self-criticism comes from, how to listen to it with compassion, and how to build a kinder relationship with yourself.

I offer counselling in Tottenham (N17) and online across the UK, providing a gentle, supportive space to explore what’s going on inside and find steadier, more compassionate ways of being.

Get in touch or book a free 15-minute introductory call →